I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
