Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
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