You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
