I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
