If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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