it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
