I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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