Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
