I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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