i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
