He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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