i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
