Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
