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In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
