im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I didn't notice because vodka
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
