i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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