I can tuck mytits in my pants
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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