I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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