my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
