I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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