Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Can Purell be used as lube?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
