It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
