My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
