Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
