I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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