I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
