You just made me feel so damn special
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Randomize
