woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
