R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Randomize
