someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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