I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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