saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
