You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Randomize
