we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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