No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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