Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
