I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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