can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
