I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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