Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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