I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.