Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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