That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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