I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
