so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
