I wish my penis had an off switch
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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