Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
