Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
there is glitter all over my balls
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
