My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
