Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
