Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
