I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
it glows. i had to have it.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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