ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook