why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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