Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Can you bring me the toilet please
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
