an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
