i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
me + whiskey = a bad person
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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