He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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