recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
