Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
