he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
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