How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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