she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
