Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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