he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
